feistytrader | IC INBOX for recolle

Don't thank me just yet.

[It's said lightly, and he passes a mug to Sneasel before retreating over to the couch. The two of them are spaced apart just enough for Goro to sit between them. They're both also looking at him expectantly, of course, with a mix of interest and concern that betrays the hour of night they woke up at.]

What's going on?

[Yes, yes, he'll sit between them, Belle pressing against his front and pretty much... covering a chunk of it, lord she is big.]

I... ah. [...] I want to talk to Akira, but he needs his rest.

[He'll start off with that. Because if it deals with Akira, then it deals with unsavory memories, as if the "unsavory" part wasn't obvious.

It's always hard to talk about them though. This one-- no, these ones especially, ah... Hm. Once he starts, it quickly becomes apparent he can't stop.]

I finally got the rest of my fight against the rest of the Phantom Thieves, whom I had betrayed. That's... fine, I knew what to expect from that, even if-- even if the emotion was overwhelming, the things he felt then. [A short, dry laugh.] I think that might be my least favorite part of them, that we feel what they do. It's terrible.

[Goro huffs, taking a sip of his hot chocolate and blinking at the cinnamon; it's not unpleasant and even curls a small smile onto his face, holding it carefully so Belle doesn't get into it.]

That's, um... not the thing that upset me quite as much. This... isn't something I've told anyone -- but I assure you, Akira does know this -- but my-- that other me's father is the one who made him a hitman. Who told him to kill others, by way of mental breakdowns or-- or shutdowns, comas, stuff like that. I know why he followed it now, and... and I know how long that other me's been doing it, too.

It's just... hearing it all said out loud in my memories is different. I know our circumstances are vastly different, that I wouldn't be that way again, I always come back to that what if. It's not like he didn't have the capacity to hurt others in the first place. It's how he proved himself to his father. I just...

[He haves his hand, then settles for using it to pet Belle, who purrs comfortingly against him. Words.]

[Sneasel decides to cuddle up against Goro and get comfortable, since Belle is monopolizing his lap; he looks like he could use the comfort. Silver, on the other hand, listens carefully and... Doesn't immediately respond, instead considering what the right thing to ask here is.]

Do you feel like you need to prove yourself now?

[...His words are careful and hesitant in a way that even surprises himself, and he quickly tries to follow it up while pressing his fingers into his mug.]

None of us would want you to do something like that.

I feel like I need to prove that I'd never be that way, [wry and sad,] but... no, not really. Even if I could be.

[He still recalls their talk from months ago. How he'd never hurt the people important to him, but that doesn't mean he wouldn't to those he felt deserved it. It makes Goro shiver now, wrapping his arm around Sneasel and continuing to pet Belle with the same hand.]

... I know you're always telling me to be open and honest with Akira, but is this... really something I should tell him..? He didn't turn away when I spoke to him on another matter [that he has not told silver or liz holy shit] but-- I know it caused him great worry. Though maybe he'd be more angry than anything? Ah, not at me, at the other me's father.

[There's still a good deal he hasn't told Silver about that particular memory, frankly, but that's the gist of it and... his feelings, which conveniently are the thing he often leaves out when speaking to Akira about them in the first place.

Like, he knows he should, but he does want confirmation that it's the right course of action. And Silver did say he'd be there for him.]

[And it didn't go very well the last time Goro mentioned this kind of thing, did it? At the same time, They've worked through that- to his knowledge- and it is good to be open and honest... At the same time, that doesn't feel like honest advice, either. He pulls out his stone, which still glows a remarkably bright purple, takes in the feelings it reminds him of, then pockets it, and-]

Do you trust Akira?

[That's a more important question than anything else.]

More than I trust the moon to be ever changing, the sun to rise and set, the ground upon which we stand...

[He trails off, staring at his hot cocoa.

Does he?

Can he really say yes, knowing that he's always turned to others first? That he's doing that right now, even if it's in consideration to Akira's tired ass? It's always, always in consideration of Akira, though... does he trust Akira, or does he pretend to?]

... I trust Akira with most things, [he decides on reflection,] and I... think I'd like to trust him with more.

Then tell him.

[It's firm, but gentle, and he lets the words linger in the air for a moment while he takes a sip of his own hot chocolate. Sneasel glances at the two of them with just a little hint of pride.]

I've been opening up to Elda lately. Not about everything, or about a lot of things, really...

[And he realizes his folly in bringing this up is that he hasn't been opening up to... Much of anyone else, really, but that's not the point, at least right now.]

Did I ever tell you why I first talked to Akira? I got tired of being lonely all the time, so I just picked him and started talking. I guess I got tired of worrying about Elda rejecting me or thinking less of me, and wanted her affections instead. For her to accept me for all of me.

[Which... Isn't all that different from how he started dating Liz either, now that he thinks of it.]

If you worry about whether you'll hurt him or turn him away, you'll do that anyway. Just be selfish.

[But he doesn't want to... no, that's a lie; he's been plenty selfish with Akira, especially lately, but about things like this? It's been a while since he had a memory that upset him in some way (and really, shouldn't he be used to it by now? shouldn't he just be able to acknowledge it and move on?) but...

Goro ducks his head, a small smile fluttering to the surface when Belle leans up and crackles a purr against him as she scent marks, and kisses the crown of her head.]

... I know you're right. Should I... wait until he's rested? Or should I go and tell him anyway? I'll do it tomorrow if you think so. It just-- it feels like this suffocating mass in my chest, you know?

[Painful and hard and choking. The memories, the realization that while he loves Akira with every fiber of his being he doesn't trust him completely... They're both hurting him, even if he knew somehow, in a way, that that was the truth of their relationship. The want to be happy without the commitment of trying times. Disgusting.]

I really am no better than my other self in this aspect. Not letting others close is the whole reason he turned out so lonely, and... I only allow people halfway, too.

[Like they'll see the ugly sides of him -- this life's and that life's -- and turn away. He'd mentioned that before too, that he had the fear he'd say or do something and cause a fall in his relationships, and every part of him wants to ask Silver to forget about this, forget he found him and talked to him and drank hot cocoa with him, but Goro sits still and sips the warm liquid. Of all people, Silver understands him startlingly well, just like Sena.]

You say you're no better in one sentence, then admit you're halfway better in the next. I thought that guy would rather eat bees than let anyone in halfway.

[Although that is a good question. Akira's in pretty rough shape, and it might be better to wait on this kind of thing, but on the other hand, how long will it take for Goro to lose his nerve? How much of this conversation would have happened if he didn't catch him retching in the middle of the night?]

Tell him you want to talk to him, but it can wait until he's better. That way you can't back out.

[If they're doing things halfway to begin with, that puts Goro halfway through the door. Still, it feels a little too harsh to leave it at that, so Silver reaches out a hand to rest on Goro's shoulder. It's alright. He's doing fine.]

Edited 2018-03-06 22:36 (UTC)

[The motion makes him flinch a tiny bit, just surprised, but after a moment's hesitation he leans against Silver's side, sipping his hot chocolate again.]

Okay. That's a good idea. [that he won't go with because he's a dumbass but in the other direction] Sorry. I feel a little guilty about running off to other people to talk about my problems instead of turning to Akira, but despite that I end up doing so anyway. It's not like I'm afraid of him leaving me because of those things, or anything changing because of anything in that past, but...

[It's hard? It's not easy. He doesn't understand himself full on the why of that either, exhaling softly.]

Nevermind. I'm more likely to mess things up now than anything the other me could've done, I suppose. How have you been? On the, um, memory front. Neither you nor Miss Liz tend to speak of them very openly. It sort of makes me feel bad for having such reactions to my own in the first place...

Hey, don't dodge the subject.

[...That's what he says, anyway, but when he's finished scolding Goro for it, he'll let it slide anyway. Things from his memories...]

I learned that I worked for a super villain.

[That's one of the easier things to open up about, surprisingly enough. Maybe it will make Goro feel better to not be the only one making questionable decisions. Maybe not. Either way, the more he thinks about it, the more he doesn't really feel bad about it, as stupid of a decision as it may have been.]

[... Well.]

I suppose we have that in common, then. What sort? Affable children's show, actual danger to society, or something else?

He tried to use a... god bird, I guess to- in his words- create a utopia.

[He lets out a short, exasperated sigh and centers himself before continuing.]

He also said he had his regrets about it at the time, and I believed him, but I was way more interested in doing whatever he asked for the sake of my own revenge than his personal motives.

And your personal opinion on it, as an outsider looking in?

[His memories or not, they do gain a new perspective on it.]

It does sound similar to mine, though. Even if I don't think you'd kill to that end. Though I imagine it would be easy to..?

[berry and everyone else are fuckin dangerous

he loves them but my Dude.]

IC INBOX for recolle

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